


And I...

by girl_next_door_writes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 03:41:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16884978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girl_next_door_writes/pseuds/girl_next_door_writes
Summary: Demons can’t love so that couldn’t possibly be what this was.  Crowley has ‘feelings’ and they are confusing and scary and he doesn’t really know what to do with them.





	And I...

The rain was falling in a heavy sheet drenching anything in its path, but a dark figure standing in the shadows across from the motel didn’t seem to notice as cold drops of water soaked through his finely tailored suit. A single, warm tear drop ran down his cheek and mingled with the cool rain that cascaded over him. He hated this. This was definitely not how this was supposed to be. It wasn’t the first time he had found himself standing across from some bar or diner where he knew you were. In fact, he was becoming concerned at the increasing frequency with which his heart sought you out. He blamed the angel for this state of affairs. Yes, this was completely Castiel’s fault, the giraffe. Perhaps he could find an interesting way to take it out on him instead of standing here, knowing you were in there with ‘him’.

He couldn’t say for certain when things changed, he only knew they had. You had paired up with Cas to take on a few cases and through a mixture of curiosity, personal gain and knowing it would really irritate the angel, he had tagged along. It wasn’t until he was sitting in the back of that ridiculous vehicle, fighting a smile as you sang along to some pop song on top note to a clearly frustrated Castiel that he realised just how lonely it was to be him. The King of Hell doesn’t get to have friends, can’t have moments of frivolity driving along on a cold fall afternoon. You had noticed his sadness, had pushed and pushed your way into his affections with your incessant kindness, smartass comments and unfailing belief in him, that he would choose the right thing. And now he was here, drowning in the flood of ‘feelings’. Feelings he didn’t want, feelings he shouldn’t have, feelings he would never reveal because that would be pointless. Especially now.

As soon as he realised you had become important to him he pulled away. No. He didn’t pull away; that wasn’t what happened. He pushed you into the arms of another because that was easier, easier for him to believe you would prefer the arms of Moose than the possibility that perhaps you returned his feelings. The idea of you actually being with him scared him more than being without you hurt so he had… how had you put it? He had ‘Crowleyed’ things. The problem now was that although his genius plan had worked, he hadn’t quite anticipated the fallout. It was as if all the fight had just drained out of him. His usually immaculate attire crumpled and his face unshaven accompanied the dark circles round his eyes and a general haunted look. Maybe he just wasn’t that good anymore. He’d lost his edge and try as he might, he just couldn’t seem to care.

Looking down at his phone, he flicked through the photos held there. The images depicting a different time, possibly an alternate reality where he deserved to get the girl. His thumb paused over a picture of the two of you in some dive bar drinking cocktails, his arm around your shoulder as your hand rested on his thigh, your body pressed against his side and both of you grinning like idiots. The corners of his mouth twitched up as he remembered that day. You’d been celebrating the conclusion of a hunt in true hunter style. Castiel had decided against joining you both, and the evening, melding into the early morning hours, was filled with laughter, conversation and a whole lot of alcohol. A song had kicked in on the jukebox that had you jumping clumsily from your seat and dragging him, protesting towards the makeshift dancefloor. As you’d swayed with him to the music, resting your head on his shoulder, he had realised that it wasn’t just company he had been craving. He had suspected he had wanted to feel part of something, maybe a friendship, but as he held you close in his arms, the scent of your shampoo in his nostrils, he knew what he really wanted, what he was afraid he might just need, was you.

He had disappeared once he’d got you safely back to the motel. Gone AWOL for a few months, and when he did finally reappear in your life he sensed a change. He saw the way Sam looked at you and knew that was his chance, that although the Winchesters were idiots they were his safest bet for you. The words he said to you that day still plagued him, along with the look of confusion and hurt in your eyes. Moose had, of course, stepped in to defend you and he had leaped on it, accusing you of bedding the young Winchester. That had hurt him far more than he would ever admit, just saying that lie and planting the idea. A tiny seed which had grown until that lie had become a truth.

Looking up at the motel room he imagined the pair of you together, Sam running his fingers through your hair, whispering sweet words in your ear that made you smile as you pressed your lips to his. What he wouldn’t give for that to be him right now. In fact, it seemed as though Sam knew that. Every time he saw the pair of you together Sam pulled you a little closer, placing himself in front of you. It was almost as if he knew the words he spoke to you late at night as he lay with you, curled around you, were the words that the unfortunate demon longed to say to you himself. Promises he would keep even if he never spoke them out loud. He would be there for you always. Prepared to do anything you ever asked of him.

A roll of thunder echoed through the night sky, bringing him back from his imaginings. He wondered if you thought of him, if he came to you and confessed everything if you would choose him. Turning his collar up he frowned. Of course, you wouldn’t. Why would you want to be with a soulless demon capable of such intolerable cruelty, surrounded by death and evil when you could be with sweet, thoughtful, caring, warm and bloody fuzzy jolly green giant over there? It was never gonna be a fair fight, that one, which is why he had walked away from it, not really realising that had he perhaps spoken up things could have been so very different.

The rain pounded down on the pavement, bouncing back up and soaking everything in its path. The darkness misty, with the occasional roll of thunder breaking the hiss of the rain. Anyone casually looking out of the window of their motel room could have believed their eyes were playing tricks on them as what looked like the figure of a man in a beautifully tailored black suit vanished as another shot of lightning illuminated the world but you knew better. Looking through the gauzy curtains at the spot where you knew he had been standing and then back to Sam gently snoring in your bed you wondered if Crowley knew, knew that although you had a deep affection for Sam you had lost your heart on the dancefloor of some dive bar to the smooth-talking King of Hell and that you were convinced no matter how hard you tried you would love him always.


End file.
